Five Handy Tips for an Arranged Marriage

Are you bored?
Need a break?
Boss/Professors giving you a hard time?
Tired of taking a man’s load on your frail feminine shoulders?

 

If you answered yes to those questions, I have the perfect solution for you, sistah!

Get married.

That’s right. Get married.

And don’t bother with the love-shove thingy. An arranged marriage is so much easier. There are so many benefits to it, I won’t even bother listing them out here. From awesomazing Starbucks coffee to getting a truckload of pretty Saris, an arranged marriage has something for everyone. And the best part is, you don’t even have to fall in love.

Of course, anything that good requires a certain amount of work. And since I’m such a great guy, I’m even going to give you some free tips on how to get your dream arranged marriage.

Tip #1: Look like Snow White

When I say Snow White, I mean you should, literally, look as though you were SNOW WHITE. As in, make your skin look freakishly white. This is very important, because as we all know,

Darkness x Desirability = Constant

The Whiter you are, the More is your Desirability.

So if you’re going to be grabbing this opportunity, be about it and go purchase that Fairness Cream right NOW!

Tip#2: Be homely

No, that’s not an insult.

Around here, Homely is a Good Thing. Nobody can quite lay their finger on what it means, exactly, but you’ll know you’re well up on your homeliness quotient when you spend most of your time at home, intensely absorbed in elder-worship and daily soaps, being a general doormat for everyone around you. It may take some time to get to that point, but the aforementioned daily soaps can really help you along, along with affirming your homely credentials.

Believe you me, Homeliness looks very, very good on your Matrimonial Ad.

Tip#3: Be well up in your cooking

No Nice Indian Girl is complete without her cooking skills. Since marrying you would effectively bar you husband from ever entering the kitchen, your cooking skills must be top-notch.

But don’t get too creative! Go with the traditional. Specifically, go with the rotis. Learn to make awesome rotis. Tie in your entire self-esteem with how soft your rotis turn out to be. That is the real test of your womanliness, the agni-pariksha, so to speak. Average won’t cut it. You HAVE to be better than his mother.

If you think that’s too much work, think of the rewards. Giving your husband Gastronomic pleasure is a sure way to keep him happy, which in turn, ensures that you get to buy that pearl choker you always wanted. It all works out to your benefit, in the end. And compliments never hurt.

Tip#4: Brush up on your demureness

A good Indian wife must be properly demure. It’s the basis of our entire culture, after all (if you don’t believe me, you’re obviously an ignorant Westerner).

Many years of education may have robbed you of your demureness, but that’s okay because the entire structure of your arranged marriage will help you get it back. That’s the beauty of it.

Be demure. Be indecisive. Dither on minor decisions. Don’t offer too many opinions. Accept life as it comes.

Tip#5: Ditch the Femi-Nazi crap

Feminism is not for nice Indian girls. It’s an evil invention of weirdo, uncultured Westerners who have no idea how to run a marriage. If you need proof, just look at the divorce rates in countries which have active feminist movements. They don’t even stigmatize divorce! I mean, how sucky is that?

As a good wifey, you must have the proper amount of justified disdain for Indian Feminists. Obviously, these are just bitter, rootless people who mindlessly ape the West. You shouldn’t feel angry at them (anger is unfeminine); rather, you should feel pity. How sad that they couldn’t get their own Arranged Marriage, and their own pearl chokers.

So, with those five hot tips, you’re well on your way. Don’t thank me; I’m just doing my part as a chivalrous protector of our culture.

Just don’t forget to count your blessings when you wake up in the morning, and your amazing husband does something really lovable, like compliment you on the excellent Parantha.

Count your blessings and shake your head, as you think about how wrong those feminists were.