On Being Conflicted

First off, I’d like to apologize for being less than involved on the blog over the last few days or so. I’ve been more than a little preoccupied with the formalities of the final placement process at my college, and the brainstorming and second-guessing has taken up quite a chunk of the free time I normally use for blogging and commenting on blogs.
Thankfully, most of it is now done and I am once again free to regale you guys with my vast reserves of wit and chocolaty charm! 😀

*****

So, to the topic.

I’ve been euphoric these last couple of days.

Apart from landing in a job that I’d do for free, one of the great things that came out of the placements is that me and A are BOTH heading to work in the same city (i.e Bangalore) next year! We’re going to be in different firms, unfortunately, but just being in the same city solves so many problems.

Hopefully, we would now be able to focus on our careers a bit better, without getting into the all the uncertainty and bother of a long-term relationship.

Everything has been going great. And there lies the rub.

Last evening, my mother apparently caught A cruising Big Bazaar, treated her to an an impromptu lunch and had a long chat about her future plans and stuff. And she seems to have fallen deeper in love with A than I’ve ever been.

I knew something was weird the minute she called me up and told me to come pick her up at the mall. There was just something in her tone which caused alarm bells to start ringing in my mind. I stifled the feeling and dutifully did as she asked me to.

Our next conversation proved me right.

In the car

Mom: I still can’t believe you’re going to be in a job, N. Kids grow up so fast.

Me: 🙂

*silence*

Mom: I think we should start looking for a good apartment in Bangalore, shouldn’t we?

Me: I dunno. The move is months away. Don’t you think it’s a bit too early to look for an apartment?

Mom: It’s never too early. The earlier we start, the better it is. The rents are ridiculous in that city. Do you remember when the third sister of your second cousin moved there and… *15 minutes of monologue*

Me: Okay, I get the idea! I’ll check the internet listings tonight! God!

Mom: Great. All I’m saying is, it’s better to start early. You’re an adult now, and you should get used to taking on new responsibilities.

Me: Alright, I — Wait. New responsibilities?

Mom: Yeah. A is moving to Bangalore too, right?

Me: Yes, but –

Mom: She’s such a nice girl, you know.

Me: Yeah, I know. But what did you mean by –

Mom: Every time I talk to her, I’m impressed. I think she’s perfect for you.

By this point, I have a pretty shrewd idea where this conversation is going and I don’t like it one bit.

Sure enough, it all comes out into the open five minutes later:

Mom: So when do you plan to propose to her?

Me: WHAT?!

Mom: Come on, sweetie! Look, your sister’s getting married next year. It would be so good if you too…

I spent the next half hour explaining that we had not decided to get married yet and I had no intention of getting engaged to be married right away either.

Just as I expected, she didn’t get it. Her reasoning was pretty simple and it boiled down to this:

a) I’ve seen the world; and

b) Girl’s don’t come much better than this so don’t even think about anyone else; therefore,

c) You must marry her the moment your career stabilizes.

I am like, wow.

We all hear horror stories about parents who don’t get on with the person you love/are married to.

What do you do with a parent who gets on far too well with your SO?

There’s no such entry in my manual of life.

What am I supposed to tell her?

She HAS seen the world. She HAS handled all kinds of people. I can’t say that she hasn’t.

This was just so unexpected that I have no idea what to think.

Maybe it shouldn’t have been unexpected.

I’ve never thought abut marriage so much in my entire life. I think half of my posts talk about marriage in some for or the other.

I am completely stumped by this situation!

For god’s sake, I don’t even know if I’m even right. I’m just a twenty-one year old guy with a computer engineering degree. Such deep philosophical questions do NOT come into my horizon! I never learnt stuff like this.

Really have no idea what to think right now.

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16 thoughts on “On Being Conflicted

  1. ROFL! Personally I think 21 is a bit too young to be married. But hey, if both of you want this and are happy with it, go ahead. On the other hand, if you want to wait, do so. Your mom seems to be the sensible type, so just ask her to respect your decision. Does A have any inkling of the apartment hunting business?

    • She doesn’t want me to actually GET married right now, just make a commitment that I’d do it by such and such date.

      A knows all about it. She was subjected to a similar conversation, although not in such blatantly open terms, I suppose.

      I don’t know what I want to do. I’m definitely going to wait. That is not the question. The question is whether I should go by our day to day compatibility and proclaim that she’s the one when I haven’t really lived under the same roof as her even once.

      I’m going to, in Bangalore, and I’m not sure if I want to make that kind of a commitment BEFORE I’ve spent some time in that arrangement.

      On the other hand, saying that I’ll marry her next year (or whenever) will definitely reduce the uncertainty factor and possibly give us a kind of direction for the future.

      I really don’t know. I *think*, with all my heart that she’s the one. Every logic I can think of tells me that. Every instinct screams at me to accept that.
      But there’s this nagging, creeping fear that I might be too inexperienced to make such a judgement. Dunno.

      • Some people can simply not make the decision, as I am a living example. I do agree with the other posters that you need to probably live with A before taking the step. But don’t be so stressed about it. Let it happen naturally. You have a long way to go, and there is no reason to get worried about something that you are currently enjoying. Commit when the need to commitment takes over. And it will, at the right time. Otherwise, you are not the ‘committing type’.

  2. You’re only 21?? Definitely think you should hold off on the commitment part! And I also definitely agree with your above comment that you should live under the same roof before thinking about serious commitment. It’s too bad that you don’t have common law [or do you?] provisions in India. My fiance and I lived together pretty much six months after we started dating and were considered common law in Canada–we filed taxes and did all financial stuff together–had shared finances and everything else. Let me tell you, you REALLY get to know someone where you’re both students [read: short on cash] and live in a tiny [read microscopic] place together, haha.

    Congratulations on heading to Bangalore–heard it’s a great place, very cosmopolitan and diverse, and laid back *and* it doesn’t get murderously hot in the summer months.

    • Yep, 21 (will be 22 in another two months).

      I think I agree with you more than I agree with my mother. She is going way too fast on this one.

      Don’t think I’m going to have a real student experience of the kind you’re talking about, but I think the nose-to-the-grindstone grilling of a fresh corporate career will probably produce enough friction to “get to know” the REAL each other below the pleasantries.

      Thanks for the advice!

  3. Haha, CE, you need to chill. This is completely normal and it’s a global phenonenon. You’re too young to get married. You are even to young to seriously think about it. Parents are just like that – they want to elicit certain commitment from their kids – mostly to reassure themselves in the whole process of “kids growing up”.

    Dating is different from living together. It’s not a question of discovering compatibility, it’s actually about the way you execute compatibility which is already there. Living together is a test, because you are faced with new responsibilities and new adaptations. It’s undersandable that there is a dose of uncertainty unless you share the same living space with another person, have a chance to see the best and the worst of each other, and see if you are still so happy and so in love with “the whole package”.

    Give yourself time. As long as you don’t keep your gf in the dark and your feelings are open and clear, there is no reason for panic.

    • Understood.

      Definitely not going to keep her in the dark. Thing is, she’s only 22 herself and I think she’s as conflicted about it as I am.

      I really did need an external opinion. Most of my family’s no good for this, because they just don’t have the right kind of experience themselves.

      Thanks for taking to time to help me outta here.

  4. 1) Welcome to Bangalore!

    2) 21 is no age to get married. Do wait for a few more years. Just my opinion of course.

    3) What do A’s parents feel about this? Do they even know?

    4) Congratulations on two successes a) a job that you like b) “A” and your mom hitting it off well with each other. The matrimonial path promises to be smooth!

    5) If you are comfortable coming out from behind the curtain of anonymity, feel free to get in touch with me and may be I could be of some help in settling down. I have lived here in Bangalore for 37 years. Mail me privatey for my telephone number. Of course if you wish to remain cynically engineered , it’s perfectly all right with me

    Best wishes
    GV

    • 1) Thank you! I’ve heard great things about the place, but it’ll be a while before I arrive there.

      2) I absolutely agree with that and like I said, I have no intention of getting married immediately. Honestly, career is more important right now for both of us. But do you think it’s old enough to DECIDE who to marry, and commit to it?

      3) I’ve not spoken with A’s father about marriage (since I’m not intending to marry her right now in any case) but he has no problems with our living with each other. Her mother, unfortunately, isn’t with us in the world today, but I have A’s assurance that we have her blessings straight from heaven. 🙂

      4) Lol. Thank you very much. I’m still in a bit of a daze, actually. No one ever truly expects their college days to end this fast.

      5) That’s VERY kind of you, sir, but I really think I’d be more comfortable just being CE for now. This blog is a bit too personal. I’m probably not very hard to find but the pseudonomity is comforting.

  5. To a great extent you think A is the one, there are no odds. I thought the same (A- being my partner’s name too). 6 months into the relationship we started living under the same roof. And after been there, done that, now my advice is, people really HAVE to try life under one roof before they contemplate on marriage with their respective partners. You really get to know your partner, just like Kay had mentioned. Whether you are in a relationship for 6 months or 6 years, its just not the same when you are under the same roof. You need to experience life together before you make the decision. And especially now that you have the opportunity to (congrats about the Bangalore move). It may sound downgraded and a thing of the movies, but I really discovered my partner and yes I still think A is the one, but thats after observing the perfections, imperfections and everything in between, I was sure that life in the long run its still manageable and would be pleasant. I realised that a relationship is not only about the happiness/sadness bit when it outruns into marriage, then it becomes about each other’s habits, lifestyle which is so completely different whilst life together. Im 21 too and I give myself another 6 years for marriage. Being female and being a part of the asian society, thats pretty much committing a sin. You know where you stand now 🙂 Good luck!

    • No, it doesn’t sound like something from the movies at all. It sounds like exceptionally rational advice. It sounds like an echo of my own thought processes BEFORE my mother put a new spin on everything.

      Thanks a bunch, tash! I’m going to heed your advice.

  6. I know where your mum’s coming from. She wants you settled down and she wants grand kids. She wants her son safe, happy, secure and well-settled. Today’s mums might eventually learn to accept that kids will create their own destiny and all a mum (or dad) can do is be there for them when and if they need help. Once a mum does that, a whole new vista (besides grand children) opens up for her own life which might take her children by surprise 🙂 Even delight. Depends on each individual mum, of course.

      • You are growing up to the possibility that they might be individuals within their own right; that there might be more to their identity than simply their hopes and dreams for you.

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