Five Handy Tips for an Arranged Marriage – The Male Version

So here you are, at crossroads in your life.
Everything’s good on paper. Your job is going great. Your boss loves you. You’ve just picked up golf. Your life is held up as a model in your community. So it’s all good on paper.

But reality tells you different. Something is not right. You’ve been looking at the indications for a while now. Your socks have become progressively dirtier. The craving for a hot, home-cooked meal is reaching epic proportions (since you can’t cook for nuts). Other, more…um…physical cravings have been growing as well. The maid has been throwing tantrums. And to top it all, your married friends have now taken to calling your house “the dumpster”.

So goddamn it, you’ve had enough. You’ve had too much to think. You need to settle down. You need the feminine touch in your life. And it ain’t coming from your momma. You, my friend, need a WIFE.

But how do you get one? After all, you’ve had a good Indian upbringing! You don’t have the time for that love crap and you don’t know the first thing about relationships anyway. Your parents would go into spastic fits if you even mentioned love marriage, so that’s out. But hey, all you need is a wife, after all, not a soul mate, and since you’re in India, arranged marriage is a great option.

Worry not, my friend, for CE is here. Through this post, I’ll provide you the hottest tips for getting a good arranged wife (yes, that’s the terminology for “woman you married through an arrangement between two sets of parents”). If you keep this stuff in mind, even the loveliest, fairest, homeliest MBA + PhD from Harvard will be within your grasp. The most important part to remember is that an arranged marriage is like a job interview. And this is how it works:

Tip#1: Have the right experience

No, I don’t mean the good times you had behind your favorite jhaari (bush) in college.

You must be experienced in handling traditional Indian sensibilities. You must know the correct placement of that Tulsi plant. You must know which feet to touch and which heads to give aashirwaad to. You must understand when to fold your hands in humility and when to display your implausibly white teeth for full effect. You may find it bothersome but if you can’t do this, you can forget about your nice wifey, and all the assorted benefits.

In an arranged marriage, the first impression is not only the last impression. It may well be the ONLY impression you get to make.

Tip #2: Know your priorities

Your primary goal is NOT to impress the girl herself. Your primary goal is impressing her parents.
Many rookies make the mistake of spending too much time with their future bride and too little with her parents. This may seem logical, but that’s only because you’re inexperienced. Typically, this sort of thing ends in heartbreak, elopement, honor killings and all sorts of nastiness that you don’t want to even hear about.

Don’t make that mistake. Remember that once you have the parents on your side, the girl is basically yours, whether she likes it or not (unless she’s exceptionally spunky and resists pressure, in which case you should think twice about marrying her anyway).

Tip #3: Keep your expectations reasonable

This is a bit like filling up the “expected salary” field. The key is to fill in what the OTHER person thinks is reasonable, not you.

Of course, you’re the greatest, most handsome man on the face of the planet. Your sexual prowess is legendary. You deserve the best bride money can buy. Etc. Etc.

BUT you must make allowances for other peoples’ egos. It’s unfair, yeah, but parents can be a bit silly about their kids (even if the said kids are female).
So unless you’re from IIT/IIM/The Ivy League, keep those dowry demands under ten million rupees and DON’T, for God’s sake, demand a car that’s more expensive than the one you’re driving.

Tip #4: Be tall, fair and handsome

This is self-explanatory.

Be a Complan boy.

Use Fair and Handsome for your tough, manly skin.

And remember that even a monkey looks handsome in an Armani. Use the three things together to your advantage.

After your sanskaars, and the size of your paycheck, these are the most important criteria to judge your worthiness, so pay attention to these things.

Tip #5: Be like a king

Be a man. Yes, I know you’re already male, but it sounds good to say it like that.
You’re going to be the head of your family, so your should act like that. Be stern. Be miserly with your compliments. Be scathing in your criticisms. The key is to have an eye for detail.
Is the spoon not angled properly? Comment on it.

Is the curtain not straight enough? Make it known.

Is the halwa not sweet enough? Make a hue and cry.

This builds your reputation as a manly man and gets you better service from your wife. The kind of service you deserve.

—

So there you have it. Grab a hat, get out there and make history!