Five Handy Tips for an Arranged Marriage – The Male Version

So here you are, at crossroads in your life.
Everything’s good on paper. Your job is going great. Your boss loves you. You’ve just picked up golf. Your life is held up as a model in your community. So it’s all good on paper.

But reality tells you different. Something is not right. You’ve been looking at the indications for a while now. Your socks have become progressively dirtier. The craving for a hot, home-cooked meal is reaching epic proportions (since you can’t cook for nuts). Other, more…um…physical cravings have been growing as well. The maid has been throwing tantrums. And to top it all, your married friends have now taken to calling your house “the dumpster”.

So goddamn it, you’ve had enough. You’ve had too much to think. You need to settle down. You need the feminine touch in your life. And it ain’t coming from your momma. You, my friend, need a WIFE.

But how do you get one? After all, you’ve had a good Indian upbringing! You don’t have the time for that love crap and you don’t know the first thing about relationships anyway. Your parents would go into spastic fits if you even mentioned love marriage, so that’s out. But hey, all you need is a wife, after all, not a soul mate, and since you’re in India, arranged marriage is a great option.

Worry not, my friend, for CE is here. Through this post, I’ll provide you the hottest tips for getting a good arranged wife (yes, that’s the terminology for “woman you married through an arrangement between two sets of parents”). If you keep this stuff in mind, even the loveliest, fairest, homeliest MBA + PhD from Harvard will be within your grasp. The most important part to remember is that an arranged marriage is like a job interview. And this is how it works:

Tip#1: Have the right experience

No, I don’t mean the good times you had behind your favorite jhaari (bush) in college.

You must be experienced in handling traditional Indian sensibilities. You must know the correct placement of that Tulsi plant. You must know which feet to touch and which heads to give aashirwaad to. You must understand when to fold your hands in humility and when to display your implausibly white teeth for full effect. You may find it bothersome but if you can’t do this, you can forget about your nice wifey, and all the assorted benefits.

In an arranged marriage, the first impression is not only the last impression. It may well be the ONLY impression you get to make.

Tip #2: Know your priorities

Your primary goal is NOT to impress the girl herself. Your primary goal is impressing her parents.
Many rookies make the mistake of spending too much time with their future bride and too little with her parents. This may seem logical, but that’s only because you’re inexperienced. Typically, this sort of thing ends in heartbreak, elopement, honor killings and all sorts of nastiness that you don’t want to even hear about.

Don’t make that mistake. Remember that once you have the parents on your side, the girl is basically yours, whether she likes it or not (unless she’s exceptionally spunky and resists pressure, in which case you should think twice about marrying her anyway).

Tip #3: Keep your expectations reasonable

This is a bit like filling up the “expected salary” field. The key is to fill in what the OTHER person thinks is reasonable, not you.

Of course, you’re the greatest, most handsome man on the face of the planet. Your sexual prowess is legendary. You deserve the best bride money can buy. Etc. Etc.

BUT you must make allowances for other peoples’ egos. It’s unfair, yeah, but parents can be a bit silly about their kids (even if the said kids are female).
So unless you’re from IIT/IIM/The Ivy League, keep those dowry demands under ten million rupees and DON’T, for God’s sake, demand a car that’s more expensive than the one you’re driving.

Tip #4: Be tall, fair and handsome

This is self-explanatory.

Be a Complan boy.

Use Fair and Handsome for your tough, manly skin.

And remember that even a monkey looks handsome in an Armani. Use the three things together to your advantage.

After your sanskaars, and the size of your paycheck, these are the most important criteria to judge your worthiness, so pay attention to these things.

Tip #5: Be like a king

Be a man. Yes, I know you’re already male, but it sounds good to say it like that.
You’re going to be the head of your family, so your should act like that. Be stern. Be miserly with your compliments. Be scathing in your criticisms. The key is to have an eye for detail.
Is the spoon not angled properly? Comment on it.

Is the curtain not straight enough? Make it known.

Is the halwa not sweet enough? Make a hue and cry.

This builds your reputation as a manly man and gets you better service from your wife. The kind of service you deserve.

So there you have it. Grab a hat, get out there and make history!


21 thoughts on “Five Handy Tips for an Arranged Marriage – The Male Version

  1. Wow!
    Never thought you would take my “farmaish” seriously!
    Am honoured!

    Enjoyed reading your piece.

    Times have changed indeed.
    I am a person who has had a happy arranged marriage.
    If you have the time and inclination, do read these guest posts ย of mine at IHM’s blog.
    You may be able to better understand our generation.

    No quarrels with you and your present generation.
    My own daughter chose her own mate.
    I have no plans to look for a bride for my 25 year old son.
    I have faith in him and know he will choose wisely and I will be ready wth my blessings.

    Keep writing

    • Vishwanathjee,

      I read those posts with interest quite a while ago, when I first located IHM’s blog.

      I actually think the arranged marriage system has become much WORSE than it used to be. In your time and the times before that, it probably did have a kind of significance, considering that things like caste and community were pretty important back then and that women didn’t really have the opportunity to participate in the workforce the way they do today.

      But now that the opportunities are there, and now that caste is far more of a political issue than a personal one (at least in urban areas), I think it is utterly ridiculous that people continue clinging to such outdated traditions for no good reason at all.

      Arranged marriages in this day and age are a HUGE farce, from start to end. The “courtship” is a sham, the ceremonies themselves are a game of one-upping the neighbor, and the lives of the protagonists are run in script-written form, just to pay lip service to traditions which have long since been rendered irrelevant.

      A culture is an ever changing thing.

      A culture that refuses to evolve, to budge, to shift, to move, to accomodate, a culture that is petrified of the slightest change, a culture that insists on preserving it’s dead wood at the cost of new life. That, sir, is my definition of a dead culture, a decadent culture, a decayed culture.

      Things must change.

      Things WILL change.
      My one true wish is to possess the cheerful equanimity that you demonstrate when someone very much like myself comes and reminds me that it is time for the winds of change to blow through the corridors of my own narrow existence too.

      • Thanks CE for responding.
        I hope and pray you will have as happy a marriage as I have had by the modern methods of meeting, courting and dating a good girl.
        I am open to both methods of getting hitched and I am aware of several couples who are as modern as you and have made a success of their arranged marriage.

        I would not run this down, just as I would not run down love marriages.
        Good people with good familes and modern thinking can make a success of an arranged marriage even today. Success and happiness depends on the couple and their families and both arranged and love marriages can co exist. At least that is what I still believe.

        The subject has already been debated threadbare in IHM’s blog and other blogs too. I found that mine was a minority view and the overwhelming majority disagreed with my views. I am reconciled to that.

        I suggest we cordially agree to differ on this.

        Best wishes

  2. CE, for most of those wants a good housemaid would do nicely. But for conjugal bliss, in this day and age, you’d have to ask yourself – no, her, what she gets out of the partnership. GOL

  3. Pingback: Aranged marrage | See00800

  4. Oh CE, very useful tips but you forgot one important issue – the art of disguise – which includes:

    – delete all social platform profiles, especially the ones which contain pics as a proof of how great time you had during your studies abroad (a.k.a, your 3 white gfs/the first time you drank so much that you fainted, plus the cultural events that you took part in – porn expo)
    – pass your playboy collection to your younger brother/cousin/still single friend
    – in front of the potential bride’s parents – persistently claim that you have no ‘romantic’ experiences whatsoever, of course, you are a virgin too


  5. My soon-to-be-an-ex husband actually stuck to all your advises…infact I had a similar post in my mind since a long time. Thank you for giving my thoughts the form of a post.

    All I wish to say is, yes, these tricks work and will get you a good wife too. But, what might happen several days/months/years down the line is something I am going through in real life.

    Wonderfully written ๐Ÿ˜€

    • Hugs, ME.

      You’re one brave soul.

      Like I said on another post, all of my sarcasm is really just a sort of defense mechanism against a hideously unfair reality. Not MY reality. The reality of those people I know whose lives are none of my business.

      • It might be too new and too raw for you to believe this right now, my era, but for every rotten apple there are millions of perfectly good ones. Take our CE – he seems a decent sort ๐Ÿ™‚ Hope you have plenty of fun girlfriends to see you through this bad patch.

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